It's interesting to look back at the person I was. I constantly lived off being prepared for worst case scenario. I controlled every aspect of my life that I could, just to avoid dealing with the things I couldn't control. I remained "positive" that what I had was pneumonia, but I constantly stressed about the worst case scenario. It lived inside of me just as if I had already had the diagnosis. The fear of that outcome easily consumed me and looking back at that now, I was my worst enemy in the face of something much greater than me.
That false sense of positivity carried me through the two days after the biopsy awaiting for me to hear my results. Even when the doctor called, I answered the phone completely confident that he would say it was pneumonia and we would move forward with a different set of medications. Instead, the words that came out of his mouth were "I'm so sorry but the biopsy showed that it is metastatic cervical cancer in your lungs". I remember exactly what my brain did then as if it was yesterday. I searched for the quickest solution to what I needed in that moment, and that was to get off of the phone with this pulmonologist and speak to my oncologist. I wanted her advice to walk me through what's next. Desperation hadn't set in yet, and when he asked me if there is anything else he could help me with, I answered him by telling him to get ahold of Dr. Embry-Schubert and that I would be emailing her also.
This conversation took place while my 2 month old was napping and as he started getting up I knew I had no capacity to handle him at the moment. Don't get me wrong, if I had to do it I would have, but knowing that my mom was down the hall, my brain needed to fight for a solution. I burst into her room, announced that it was stage 4 cervical cancer and asked her to be with Victor and I walked out. The next person I messaged was Rich. He called me right away and I remember that utter shock. Like how is this happening, what do we do, and where can I get help. Within 10 minutes of getting off with the pulmonologist, Dr. Schubert calls me. I hang up with Rich knowing he was close to home and answer her call.
That's the first time I broke down. I don't want to die came of my mouth a few times as I was sobbing. She knew me. She knew my anxiety was teetering out of control and that I was afraid. She knew I had googled statistics, and the first thing she said is "do not look at those numbers". She explained that those statistics are outdated and that I can be the 1%. But how can I be the 1%? I thought that to myself. I was the 1% who went from localized cervical cancer to metastatic disease. As the tears streamed down my face we went over the game plan. We would do a pet scan to see if it was anywhere else in my body and then start chemo right away. She let me know that the chemo would have to be as aggressive as possible, but that would give me the best fighting chance. She gave me strength in that phone call, but it didn't slow down the actual train wreck I was about to be.
Death. It can happen in a split of a second, or it can knock at your door and make you think about all the reasons you don't want to die. The first person I think about is my sweet boy Logan. I don't want to miss his precious life. He is my heart and soul and if I could do anything would be for him to know for the rest of time how much I love and adore him. As I write this it's hard to keep the tears away, even now. The second person is my husband. Gosh we have been through it all, and no matter what he has always been my soul mate. The idea of not being part of their lives shattered my brain that day. Off course there is Victor, but I don't' know him yet, and my family and friends. But to my core I longed to preserve my little family.
We made arrangements for Rich's mom to get Logan from school and Rich and I went out of the house. It was definitely not the wisest decision to drink alcohol, but my brain wanted to escape what it was facing. I kept going over every detail in my head and all the answers pointed to the fact that I was dying and I had encountered the worst possible scenario and there isn't anything I could do to change the outcome. Later that evening I saw a couple of my friends and as the night grew darker, so did my thoughts. The negativity, the immense fear, the shock, the disbelief, it was all too much. I wrote my life off and pleaded at the same time for a different outcome. The desperation of that night is so real and if I hadn't made the decision to change, those thoughts would have dragged me through the ground before the cancer did.
The lucky part is that my diagnosis wasn't ready for what was about to happen and the person I would become. Fearless and abundantly greatful for my life. The story of positivity in the middle of chaos, and the self inspiration to be worthy of anything. Waking up the following morning I was determined. I know what my mind is capable of and I have read many stories of people in remission from stage 4. I needed to use my original strengths and research skill, and I needed to merge that with my newfound inspiration, Dr. Joe Dispenza. I always looked away at meditation, and the reason why Dr. Joe Dispenza makes sense it's because it is not about aimless meditation, it is about reaching a part of your brain that is capable of healing your body. Just as much as a constant stressful state can cause illness, the same part of your brain and body can generate new cells and put your body in a state where illness doesn't belong. His whole shpiel is not just about getting rid of disease, but it's the ability of our minds to achieve the impossible. That is something I can get behind.
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not in denial. I think most people will see how happy and grateful I am and they don't understand or think I'm not truly taking in my diagnosis. I get it, this shit is real. But I look at it this way, I can either obsess and live in fear and anger just like I did when this first occcurred in 2020, or I can view this as an opportunity to become the best version of myself and in that process giving my body the ability to live in a stress free environment where it can heal itself. I did hypnobabies when I had Logan and I was truly able to tap into that part of my brain where it creates a painless environment, with that I have truly been using his meditations and teachings to achieve a true sense of peace.
The part of me that is the ultimate researcher also found some amazing people to create the ultimate team for guidance and healing. My naturopathic oncologist is number one in assisting me and helping with ways to reduce the damage that the chemo drugs do to my body. My acupuncturist is literally the greatest vibe and to me has super healing powers. My nutritionist is looking at things that I can do to make my body a place that cancer doesn't want to live in. I'm also doing daily cold plunges, and using an infrared sauna, and daily exercise which are all recommended.
And lastly, Verthemia. One of my friends had told me about a client of hers who went to Europe and did hyperthermia and was able to outlive his "death date" the doctors gave him and eradicated all of the tumors. Other countries have a lot more approval on things that are alternative, and after doing some digging I was able to find Verthemia. This is done here in Dallas, TX and it is an advanced treatment of hyperthermia. It heats up your blood to 107 degrees through a machine similar to a dialysis machine. At that temperature cancer doesn't survive and the studies on hyperthermia are extensive. The treatment in Europe are costly and lasts 3-4 weeks per treatment, while this treatment in the US is also extremely costly, but it is only a one day procedure with a couple of days rest and it won't interfere with my normal conventional treatment. I had my normal oncologist speak to the head doctor of the Verthemia treatment and they both came up with a game plan for when to do the procedure, and this would just give me a bigger fighting chance agaisn't this beast.
Within a couple weeks of my diagnosis I had already put so much in motion and exponentially changed my way of thinking. I think the hardest part was asking people for help. I am so used to being a do it all yourself kind of gal, and when we created the go fund me, it is for the intent to save my life. We have great insurance and normal medicine is covered, but if I just follow what the normal medicine does, my odds of surviving are much less. The rest of my treatment group is straight out of pocket and the Verthemia is definitely not something insurances want to pay for, even though it should be the first line of defense for people with cancer. I could go on about the health care system and how they should be doing more preventative work vs curative treatment, but instead I'll say how appreciative we are that so many people have pitched in and are opening more doors for us to get to my goal of doing this treatment. This battle is not on anyone's shoulders but mine, but I am beyond grateful for the immense love we have received, and just know that I want to be an inspiration to others in my situation, and that despair is not worth it and we are all worthy of change and abundance ❤️
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