This might be the hardest part of the process. Not only is the demand for a Gestational carrier( GC) so high, but you also have to trust this person to carry your child, and that is tough, well at least for me.
There are people who are able to use a family member or a friend, others use agencies, and others go the independent route. In order for someone to even be considered a GC they have to have had at least one child, have a bmi under 30 and most clinics prefer woman under 40. Each clinic sets their requirements.
A gestational carrier unlike a traditional surrogate will not share any dna to your child. They will simply be the carrier. An embryo is placed in her uterus and if the pregnancy takes, she is only providing her "oven" to cook the baby for 9 months. A traditional surrogate uses her own eggs in order to create the baby.
I spent a lot of 2021 doing research and felt confident that I could do this process independently. We didn't have any family or friends able to offer this for us, so I had to find my own way to find this person. I did put us down on a waitlist at two different agencies, but they were backed up by 18-24 months for a match because of covid and the high demand. Isn't that crazy?!
I initially didn't want to use an agency because I had researched this process so much that I didn't need to pay someone to guide me through it. The agencies take a fee on top of the GC's compensation, and it's meant to help with the matching. But knowing how I am about finding the right person, I knew I would be doing the research myself anyways, and I was very confident I knew how to navigate this on our own.
I find that most things are solved by social media these days and start looking into Facebook groups. There is a GC match group for almost every state, and then several matching groups that are open to anyone from anywhere in the country. I join them and observe for a couple of days and then I write our bio for our future GC. It's weird putting yourself out there and you hope you will have several people reach out. My first post I had two. We talked about all of the ins and outs of what I'm looking out of the journey and my requirements as far as termination, relationship with GC after birth, what are my requirements as far as what she eats, and anything that is worth discussing to see if we would be a good match.
Unfortunately the process isn't easy and both those GC's got my hopes up and nothing came of it. Both were willing to start the process with the clinic and a week later one was unable to move forward due to a family emergency and the other ghosted me. Keep in mind that this did not happen at the same time. I took it seriously to interview each in case I moved forward with one, I wasn't leading two people on. All I could think about how that just waisted my time, and Logan is only getting older.
I made two posts after that and nothing came of it. A few GC's write their own posts, but about 100 people message under each GC post, and so it feels like the competition is high. Then comes the post from a GC who I felt would be a good match. I reached out to her in the messages and sent her my bio that I had shared myself with the group. She read it and we started talking.
She crossed all the boxes for us. She was willing to abide by our wants and in return she was happy with the compensation she would be receiving. I felt a little nervous that she was a first time GC, because I've read it can be harder for them to adjust to the meds on the first round, but she was willing to try and that meant everything.
The moment she followed through with providing the clinic all her information, I remember feeling excited because we've never made it this far with anyone. But then you get this gut wrenching feeling that this person would be the one that you have to trust to carry your child. She will be the one feeling the kicks, the exhaustion, the whole pregnancy, and I'm just the bystander.
One of my favorite things about our GC is how easily we can talk. We made it an effort to talk every other day, to sometimes once a week, to sometimes everyday, and that made it feel a little bit better that I would feel involved. The next step once the clinic cleared her paperwork was for her to come to Denver and do a full day workup along with her partner. I appreciated my clinic being thorough. They did all the blood tests for diseases, hormone panels, physical exam, pysch evaluation on both of them, and then we all sat in the room together for the therapist to make sure everything was aired out. We had talked to much through text, that I felt this part was easy until I had the tears streaming down my face.
It's hard at least for me, mega control freak, to let someone else say they will do as I ask, but I won't ever know for sure. When I was pregnant with Logan I was so strict with myself and did everything I could to make sure he was the happiest in my belly. I know a lot of people doing this process have never had the opportunity to have their own child first, and I immediately sympathize that I was lucky to have had Logan first.
The next step in the process is a mock trial. This is a 6 week process in which our GC has to take meds to make sure her body will respond to being able to receive the embryo and grow our baby. Her cervical lining and response to the hormones is the biggest deal. We "met" our GC in August 2022 and by the time we've made it through this step it's November. I also hoped that I would have found a GC in Colorado, but her being in Nevada is not too far, and after months of talking with people you learn that not all your requirements need to be met, and for me the state she lived in wasn't important anymore.
We enter the next phase of the process, the legal and contracts. This is by far the hardest part of the entire match. It's when we have to make sure all that we discussed is now in writing and agreed by the two of us with our legal representation. Even though we had discussed a few things, she did switch up a couple of items that she said her lawyer advised. To be honest I was pretty hurt by it, but what she was providing me with was way more important than a couple financial changes to our agreement.
We sign the contracts in January, and then we submit everything to the clinic. They will not put her in the schedule for an embryo transfer until this step is met. I also had to start the escrow account and by this point we had her enrolled with her health insurance because I didn't want to miss the open enrollment period. Our GC started her meds for the transfer in February and the transfer was scheduled for March 23rd. Almost exactly a year later from my egg retrieval.
The process itself is ongoing, so I can't wait to let you all know how it unfolds!
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