It took a lot of processing to swallow that this was the only path forward to having another child. It's easy to be pessimistic of the entire process, but it's a realization that most people don't even have this opportunity. And instead I should be grateful. But what I should feel and how I do feel are two separate things.
January 2022 was when I was finally able to reach out to the fertility clinic and get the ball moving. I spent all of 2021 enjoying my family and coming to peace with what had happened to me. I look back and it all looks like a blurr of emotions and lashing out and internalizing. Therapy was a big part of 2021.
The biggest reason that I even wanted a second child is for Logan. Having a sibling felt like a big part of my life, and I wanted him to have that too. Rich was always supportive either way, but he never batted an eye at how much this would cost, and I blamed myself that this cost would come from the fact that I'm no longer able to provide.
It's such a weird feeling to feel guilty about something that you know it's out of your control. but it stung every time someone would ask when we were going to have another. Those are the moments when you know people mean well, but oblivious to how that one question can shader your soul. I've also had people say "at least you are lucky to never have a period". Those sad truths are all a reminder that I'm not able to carry another child.
I started the IVF medications in March 2022, and even though I hate needles I surprisingly handled the whole thing pretty well. I'll do another post on tips to avoid bruising. March 30th was the actual egg retrieval day, and I was ready to have this be behind me. We were able to produce 12 embryos that were pgt tested and ready to go. Now the hardest part was trusting another human to do everything I did when I was pregnant and not be a control freak about the whole thing.
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