As I sit here in the hotel room reflecting over the past couple of years that it took us to get to this point, it feels weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond grateful and feel blessed that we are here approaching our little boy's due date, but it's still hard not to feel detached. The past month has been a lot and maybe it's better to explain that in order to put more perspective into why I feel dethached.
Maybe it's different for me because I was able to carry Logan in my belly, but I'm also a very natural person. With Logan's birth I had a doula, did Hypnobabies, avoided any and all medications, ate organic, and was very precise about all that went into my body. With our GC, there is only so much you can control. As much as I have in writting in a contract certain things she needs to do, I can't guarantee they are being done, I have to trust that she is abiding by our agreement.
Starting at 34 weeks, our GC started making a lot of comments regarding the end of the pregnancy. Believe me I get it. The end is the most uncomfortable part of this entire process, but it's also what matters the most. I also think part of it is her sharing with me all her aches and feels to make me feel more inlvolved, but for me it was a matter of trying to comfort her mind that we still have weeks to go. She brought up inducing the baby and I was happy her own OB said that they wouldn't induce if there wasn't anything wrong until 41 weeks.
At 35 weeks she went into the ER for severe back pain/ abdominal pain. She thought something was wrong and we are glad that we are all proactive on getting the correct information. But when I look at this situation, I get frustrated because as the ER doctors explained, this was due to the belly starting to weigh, so she needed to get some belly bands and help support the belly. Luckily there was nothing wrong with baby Victor and she was sent home.
Every few days after that I would get a message about how she thought it was getting close, or that she thought it was happening in the next week. This is where it started becoming aggravating to me. With Logan I went 42 weeks and 5 days, yes I know I'm crazy, but it was important for me to give him the time he needed to come out. I don't expect our GC to go past 40 weeks, but 40 is the due date. The goal. So being 35 weeks and having her express so much that the end wash happening soon, made me feel like she was over the pregnancy and was ready for baby to be out.
This next part will sound harsh, and I understand that, but it's also the perspective of our side, the mother's who can't carry their child the way that they want. As a GC, you are providing an amazing opportunity for those that can't carry, it's an enormous blessing, but it's also a job. A very well paying job at that. The initial few months of pregnancy, especially in our case, went by with no issues and concerns. So for me pregnancy is like a marathon, and that marathon really matters for the last 6-8 weeks if we make it to 40. So that job that they willingly singed up for, matters right now. I can't express this to our GC because she's carrying my child, but it's aggregating how much she is trying to have this end early.
Last week, we were 37 weeks and she had contractions that for her felt like were really intense. Believe me when I say, I am extremely sympathetic to this. We talked it out and after she spoke with the Hospital, they recommended for her to go in. At this point, based on her description of the events, I booked my flight to Nevada as I thought it was go time. Rich and I mobilized our entire plan in case of this type of an emergency. Someone had to be with Logan, Rich was getting ready to drive, and I was on my way to the airport. During the hour uber ride to the airport, she was checked out by the doctor and she wasn't in labor and not even dilated.
This was a lot. I asked if I should still come and she said no. I canceled the flight and took another Uber back. At this point I'm emotionally exhausted. We all were. This happened on Tuesday and that Thursday was Thanksgiving. Rich and I discussed a lot, and based on recents events and how vocal our GC has been about the end, we thought it was best that I drive the day before Thanksgiving and just wait it out in Nevada until baby arrives. Missing the birth would be the hardest part for me, and we thought at this rate, it's best that I advocate for him and be present for him.
My original plan was to be out in Nevada exactly 2 weeks prior to the due date, so it wasn't like I was very far off from having to be there anyways, but I was very sad to walk away from my sweet Logan and miss Thanksgiving with my family. I informed our GC of my plan to be in Nevada and also to make it to the appointment we had the day after Thanksgiving. She did feel bad that I was missing thanksgiving with my family, and I do know that her intention is not to be mean or unfair to the situation. But the end of a pregnancy is a mind game, and one that you have to be strong at to know to wait until the end. I offered her a session with my doula/life coach to see if that could help strengthen her mind around the end and birth, and she did the session prior to the appointment on Friday.
I was so happy to be there and represent our stance for my sweet baby. Her OB is very old, and to me he doesn't represent my values best, but it's the doctor she chose and that's her right. He checks her cervix at very visit, which to me is a no no and something I declined with Logan with the extensive research on it. These are the things I have no control over, and something if I was carrying my baby wouldn't even be a thought or option. At this appointment she was 2cm dilated, which is not an indicator for anyone as you can be dilated for weeks at that dilation and not go into labor. But for my GC that number is a hope that it's happening in the very very near future. Once the doctor left she asked me about induction. This was a hard conversation because instead of us texting, I was able to look into her eyes and really advocate for my want and the want for my baby. I circled back to what her own doctor had said, and that I wouldn't want to push the baby out weeks before the due date and have him end up in the NICU uneccesarily. I did say that we could circle back to it at the 39 week appointment.
I can't stress enough as I write this that I sympathize with her. I respect and understand her fear. I'm offering any resource that she needs to help her mind get to 40 weeks if that's the natural path. But I do get at a loss at how unreceptive she can be with this aspect. Last night I got another text about how she thinks we may not even make it to the appointment on Thursday for the 38 week appointment, because if she sneezes he might come out.
For today my goal is to put all the loving energy into the world that my baby will be born when he's ready and knowing he is already so loved and cared for. We are all excited to meet him, but I'll always be patient and kind in these moments that are out of my control, and hope that these waiting moments of frustration won't take away from the beauty of what we are able to experience.
Picture from our Thanksgiving turkey trot apart
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